Hey There

2014. As a new wife, I became pregnant for the first time. But that pregnancy and the next were not to be. The losses were messy, painful emotionally and physically, confusing, and traumatic.

 

2016. I met my first daughter after an unplanned c-section and two weeks past her due date. Hours of active labor, pushing and pushing to continuously not get any closer. I had to make a decision, I had pushed for their allotted time. I didn't want to start my journey as a new mom with a c-section so I asked for them to wait. Just awhile longer. Let me keep trying. But check after check, hour after hour, no progress was being made. So, ugly crying I told my doctor I was too exhausted to keep going. It was time to get her out. During the move from the laboring room to the OR my epidural line came out unnoticed. I laid there wondering why I could move my legs, I started moving them in anxious anticipation. The procedure began and I began to question what was right and what was wrong. They told me to expect tugging. This wasn't that. I started to panic as I told my anesthesiologist that I could feel too much, something wasn't right. The doctor asked why I was able to move my legs, there was concern, quick movements, my husband was removed from the OR. I was put to sleep. I remember waking up being moved through the hall? Or maybe I was in the recovery room? My husband said we had a girl. I don't remember the next few days after that. She had to go under ultra-violet lights for days, it took awhile for me to be me again, breastfeeding didn't happen. When we got home I immediately started to unpack, do laundry, do all the things...it wasn't until years later that I was told that this was a stress response and a sign of a perinatal mood disorder.

​

2017. I heard about TOLACs (trial of labor after cesarean). The hospital I had used before wouldn't do this as I was too high risk, but a hospital an hour and a half away would. So I balanced my appointments, standard visits in town, preparation and planning in the city. The head of the department who trained and oversaw so many was my doctor, my cheerleader, a woman who I have a crazy amount of respect for to this day. Through my doubts, processing of statistical numbers and outcomes, fear - she kept believing in me. My husband and I walked through the local zoo with our first daughter, trying to coax labor on. The next morning I felt the familiar waves of change. I held off on the epidural, focusing on the sensations. If I shut the noise in the room out I could picture the ebb and flow of water, tracing the contractions along my body. There was something beautiful and powerful to it. I ended up getting the epidural when there was concern that if I waited much longer it would not be an option. I had my VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I got to hear and see her while I was awake. It was amazingly overwhelming. The emotional pressure that built and exploded after holding her tiny body was freeing.

​

2019. My son. Oh my son. After having such a wonderful experience with my VBAC I had planned another; however, he was determined to stay breech. So I tried upside down hanging, some Spinning Babies techniques within the hospital and an external cephalic version (ECV). The internet tells you that you will be offered a relaxant or minor pain medication before an ECV at a hospital...Nope. Not where I went. I don't think I have ever swore so much in my life. And with each turn of pressure he just kept popping back into place, cozy with his butt in my pelvic bone. They called it. But I asked for them to please try a third time, because if they didn't I would always wonder if that was the one that could have turned him. No such luck. But a planned c-section is 1000x better than an unplanned that turns into an emergency situation. They talked me through every nerve wracking moment. There was joy and laughter in the room. He came into the world and we were ready for him.

​

2022. A heartbreaking year. A diagnosis that ended in the decision to have a D&C (dilation and evacuation) in the second trimester. Hemorrage on top of despair.

​

2023. Another successful VBAC!

​

2024. Early miscarriage.

​

2024. Another breech baby, has to be a boy I thought, they must be the stubborn ones. Another ECV without luck. C-section scheduled, with an additional ECV same day so we could see if the little love would rotate and provide the possibility of a TOLAC. But no, third daughter came out assisted.